Log in

The Da Vinci Code

One of the most important things about this book is the simple fact that the movie followed it so very well, and yet I still couldn't put the thing down! (Yes, I had already seen the movie.)

I have never written a review before, and really am not sure what the protocol is. I looked it up and really don't want to divulge all the secrets in the book (and honestly if you want that this book has hundreds of sites like that about it.) So I will do it my way without giving the book away.

This is a page turner, that puts you in the book. This isn't a story you read, rather scenes that you are there for. The thriller makes you feel like you are there on your toes, trying to figure out what is going to happen next. I even tried to offer insight to the characters! I would have to say that if you are a history buff you are likely to see things that I don't, that will either disappoint you, and if you are a strict Christian you may not like some of the things the book suggests. However, this is a fun and exiting book. If it is taken as it is (a book of fiction with some truth thrown in so we feel it all the more) this book is an excellent read and I recommend it highly!

This is for the SMS Book Reviews Book to Movie Challenge!

World Gone Crazy?

Once again I don't know what to say. I don't have all the details (and don't think I want to.) However, one of Dustin's cousins was raped and murdered last week. She was only 24 years old... Then I find out today that one of Heaven's friends lost her father day before yesterday. He was shot by his girlfriend....

This stuff is just getting to close to home, I live in the middle of nothing... This stuff isn't supposed to touch us in such a way...


I do not know when you will, or if you will get this. However, there are a few things I want you to know. Anything that you question, and anything you want to know can be asked of me. (With your parents permission of course!) You may not like the answers, you may not understand them, but know that I have always done the best that I could. That might be hard for you to understand, but I hope someday that you will.

Even if the question is hard to answer, you have  nothing to worry about. I will not EVER for any reason love you less because of something you want or need to know. I am sure you are as beautiful of a child as your sister, and therefore you might find it very hard to ask the questions you will want answers to, but I am always open to them. I don't care if it is 3 in the morning, I will always welcome your calls, and questions.

I talked to your mother today, she loves you and worries about you very much. I do hope you have not read this blog of mine, but if you do or have take it with a grain of salt (ask your mom what that means if you need to.) I am told you are a lot like me, when you are upset, or sad you write letters. That is what this is for me, it helps me to sort out my thoughts. I do not always mean what I say (double that if I am angry), and I do not always think though what I say. I can ask other people questions when I need to, so that I can be sure I am not being selfish. Which I hate to say is easy for me to do. However, I think I deserve a little credit because I do try not to be that way.

Not a day goes by in which you don't enter my thoughts. I care about you a lot. I get information about you whenever I can. Your picture hangs right next to Heaven and Katrina's. I just don't want you to be more confused then you have to be. You have a wonderful mother, and a wonderful father already. I can't even begin to take their place. If you need me though I will be there fore you, and never doubt that.

I can't rescue you from your mother and father when you are mad at them, but I would always be willing to talk to you if you need me to (or just want me to.) This rescue thing is part of the reason that I try to stay away. I remember getting mad at my mother and telling her that I was going to go live with my dad. This might be something that you would be even more tempted to say when you were mad. Of course you wouldn't mean it, but it would be very hard for me to say the only thing I could say, which would be no. I would want to say yes. Perhaps when you are all grown up you could come visit me (I would love that.) I just don't want to make things harder for you and your family then they would be otherwise.

Anyway, I had better go... Much Love, Your other mother... Terra

Thursday Thirteen #27

13 things about the word Terra according to Wikipedia
(yes my daughters name is Heaven because my name means Earth...)
  1. Terra is a word meaning Earth
  2. Terra, a currency proposed by economist Bernard Lietaer.
  3. TERRA, a brand of root vegetable chips manufactured by the Hain Celestial Group
  4. TËЯRA, a Bemani in-house musical group
  5. Terra (butterfly), a butterfly genus
  6. Terra (computer game), a computer role-playing game
  7. Terra Constructum (company), Terra Constructum, U.K., a construction company headquartered in England
  8. Terra-Gruppen, a chain of Norwegian savings banks
  9. TerraLab Laboratory Equipment & Wear Manufacturing & Trading Co., headquartered in Turkey
  10. Terra (mythology), a primeval Roman goddess, also known as Tellus or Tellus Mater (Earth Mother)
  11. Terra Naomi, a musician and recognized YouTube user for her songs
  12. Terra: The Nature of Our World, a video podcast about science and the environment.
  13. Terra Networks, Terra Networks, S.A., an Internet company headquartered in Spain

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here on my wordpress!)
Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

For Laurie

(I do not know if you will ever see this, but I feel I owe you this anyway.)

I odiously handled this wrong. I didn't mean to, I felt attacked and responded in kind. However, after careful thought I realized that you  most likely felt the same way. Reading such an entry (the one that prompted the response) most likely made you feel that I had attacked your character. I was angry when I wrote it (as I am sure that you would have been had you got the call that I did.) I didn't mean half of what I said, but I was upset for Heaven's feelings. Perhaps I shouldn't have wrote the "extra" tidbits not knowing the entire story. As I have said before this is where I vent. This is how I express my feelings without telling people off (as generally I don't feel that solves anything.)

I understand where you come from on your feelings with Skye. I am sure it is very similar to a lot of the things I went though with Heaven. Heaven didn't feel that her dad loved her, because he didn't keep his promises and was in and out of her life. She had counseling for a long time for this. I did explain that he was just young, and hadn't finished growing up and it did seem to help some. This is also why I kept him from seeing her for a while. I told him he had to make up his mind and either be her father or stay out of her life. I felt this was the best thing for Heaven. He never said he made either choice, however, he didn't come to see her for several months. When he finally did come (after promising her he would come in a couple of weeks) she was devastated.

He hasn't done that for a long time. He has been being a good father. I also have learned that he thought that he couldn't see her because of his child support not being paid (which isn't the way it works, but he didn't realize that.) However, the questions that she asked were hard to answer, and made me very angry at him.

It hasn't dawned on me (until I read one of the replies) that you might feel the same way. I will explain myself the best I can, and I hope that it helps you with Skye. If it doesn't you are free to ask me for whatever you need. I will (always- even if it is hard, and even if I don't agree) try my best to help you and Skye in anyway that I can. You are her mother, and therefore you have more insight into what she needs than I do. This is why I have never told you that I would prefer that I wasn't really a part of her life, this wasn't something that intended you to know (unless you asked so I could explain it, more than just knowing those words.)

I gave Skye up, because I couldn't take care of her. I didn't give Heaven up because she was old enough she already knew me. She knew I was her mother, and therefore I felt that giving her up would hurt her more. Skye hasn't ever known anyone, but you as her mother. I do believe that is easier than having someone all of the sudden come into your life as a mother. Perhaps I am wrong in this? I do not know, but that is why Heaven wasn't given up, and Skye was. If they would have been the same age, I would have let both of them go, as I wasn't old enough to take care of them. Quite honestly I was blotching the entire thing, and knew it. I was trying, but I knew I wasn't doing it well. While I wasn't abusive, I wasn't ready for it either.

The reason you were chosen for her mother is quite simple. As I said before Chad only agreed if I chose someone in his family. You were (and most likely still are) the best choice given the options. Your children were always well taken care of, had what they needed, where watched, and taught their values. The behavior of your boys, with the fact that you always wanted a little girl was the reason I chose you. Don't think it was anything else, I know I made that choice. I regret it in many ways as any mother who has given up a child will do. This doesn't mean that I don't still feel that I did the best I could, and that she was given the best I could give her.

I hope that helps to answer some of the questions that might be asked. You are always more than welcome to ask any. I love Skye, I always have. I agonize over the fact that I can't seem to come to terms with things. I do however, stay away because I feel it is in her best interest. I would think having a mother and a mother would be confusing. If I am wrong, I apologize, and once again if you need anything you are more than welcome to ask it of me.

Nothing Much New to Report

Heaven has decided she wants to stay here and not go up to her dads for the school year. No huge reason for this, she just changed her mind. (I think.) Anyway, I will hopefully get back soon. Doing the fall cleaning. I really wish this was a once a year thing instead of a seasonal thing!

Laurie ME

You should get your stories right,because I was not talking about Heaven at the hospital.You do have a daughter named Skye who was taken to the hospital when she was a baby.Christy was babysitting her.

I appologize for the mistake, when Heaven told me the story she said it was about her. I was also upset as I felt it was a deliberate attempt to show what a terrible mother I am  to my daughter (who was 8 or 9 at the time?) Also when Steph S. wrote me a letter telling me how awful I was and that I was a liar she said this was Heaven as well. I didn't go to the source (you) as there didn't seem to be any good to come out of it. I only told Heaven that it didn't happen, and I didn't do that with her.

Honestly, my time with Skye is very hazy. With the exception of after she was first born (and I went and stayed with my mother because I didn't know how to handle her breathing problems) I don't have much memory of the time at all. For some reason that I can't fathom, I have what I think of as a swiss cheese memory. Some things are crystal clear, and other things are simply gone. This is with my entire life, not just my time with Skye. It also has no negative reflection on Skye, as dispite what it may seem I do care about her. I always have, and I have spent many a sleepless night wondering about her. My memories are just that way.

Therefore, it is safe to say that this might have happend. I do not know. This was not what I was told at all by either Heaven or Skye.

Plus I asked Skye what she said to Heaven and she said she told her I heard that she lost her virginity,cause someone read something on her myspace.So in otherwords your saying my daughter lies and yours doesn’t.

This I don't understand it seems like a contradiction. As they are in agreement basically. I never said one was telling the truth and the other was not. I did say that I was upset for Heaven (as her feelings were very hurt, and I don't like her feelings to be hurt.) I said it upset me, I also said it was meaningless and silly. This is my diary, I tell my feelings from my point of view, and when I am not to upset to do so I even say I know it is most likely one sided. I also ask for the ideas and opinions of others as I don't want to be self serving yet I know we all can be. (If it is a situation in which something will happen in the future.)

And Chad never forced you to give her to us.But then of couse, Chad is a lair too.That is what you say of all people. Then I guess that makes you the only person in this world that tells the truth. Get Real!!

I never said Chad forced me to give her to you. I have said that I had the choice of someone in his family or no one at all. He made it perfectly clear that he wouldn't sign off on letting her go to someone not in his family. Chad has lied, I have lied (although I don't really do that anymore and haven't in a long time.) As a teenager I went through a nice phase of telling lies all the time. (Or at least whenever I thought it would serve in my interest.) However, I do not do this anymore. I have grown up more than that.

IN RE of Steph's comment

Stephanie is correct, Chad has made a wonderful turn around. I still don't always agree with him (but does anyone ever always agree with the choices someone else makes? or even their own choices for that matter?) I do complain about him on here sometimes, but I try to say the nice things too. However, this is my venting place, and therefore I find the need to vent more often when I am upset. Tara has been great to Heaven, they have had their challenges (as anyone who is in a situation like this is likely to have.) She has made a few mistakes in my opinion (MY OPINION) but nothing terrible, and all in all she has been a good influence on Heaven and I respect her. I even somewhere in here (before I knew how to add the little tags to find stuff) wrote about how good she has been and how much I appriciate her. I planned on doing something nice for her to show she was appriciated. (This was in part thanks to Steph who explained her feelings on being a step mother, and made me understand how lost someone could feel in such a situation.) I ended up just telling her that I could tell she cared for Heaven and I was thankful for it. I wanted to do more, but didn't know what else to do.

As with most ex's I rant about Chad. I rant when I am upset, and I say what is on my mind. The things on my mind may not be the entire story (as we all see things from different points of view, and therefore see things differently.) However, I tell it as best as I am able. This most likely does push the points in my favor, as before I am human this happens. Sometimes I re-read what I have wrote and realize this and fix it, and at other times I don't.

There was a time (before I learned that I have a weird form of depression, and took steps to correct the situation) when I was not a good mother at all to Heaven. I have admitted this to Heaven (without details for the most part, as I don't think it is needed, but admitting I haven't done the best all the time is important to me.) There was a time when I remember Stephanie taking me to her parents house, and giving me a lecture. Of course I was livid (as people are when they get defensive), after she told me what an awful mother I was being. However, she didn't do this to hurt me (although, at the time I wouldn't have said that) she did it so I would see it and fix it. I didn't do it deliberately, I was as most young people, very self centered, and I didn't see what I was doing.

Now that I am crying for ancient history, I think I have explained myself enough. I have made tons of mistakes, however, it hurts me and Heaven when those things are told to Heaven. It doesn't make her love me less, but disrespect the people who tell her these things. As she always asks, and I am always as honest as possible. My honesty has given us a great relationship, but there are things a parent is NOT supposed to tell their children. I try my best to choose those wisely, I am sure  I make mistakes, but hopefully I am forgiven as I do try....

One last thing; the terrible thing I always told Heaven when she was little about Chad not being around? "He just hasn't grown up yet. He loves you, and one day he will grow up, and you will know him." Don't believe it? Ask her...

I haven't yet got to move my pc (it requires moving my desk, which means taking it appart as it doesn't fit in the door...)

To Laurie an Answer to what you said here.

Some people should get there stories,before judgeing others.When you don’t know the truth then you should not be writing this stuff with out fact!

You are correct, I didn't know the entire story, I only know Heaven's side of it. She told me that she was upset, because Skye told her that you called her a slut. I took this at face value, and I wrote about it in my blog (online diary.) No one that reads this (minus Stephanie) knows who these people are, and I never expected you or Skye to see it. However, after asking Heaven (this was an entry made a long time ago) she says the same thing, and that this happend exactly as she said back then.

 I can prove the night you were drinking,because I was there. Plus Chad took her in that night to the doctors.Plus

You can't prove anything, and this didn't happen. Heaven has never been to the hospital with sickness or being hurt without me being there. You didn't live near us when she was a baby. (You lived in Montana- if I remember correctly, but I am sure you didn't live there.) I made lots of mistakes, tons in fact (as most of us have). However, this isn't one of them.

However, I know that you never really knew me. As was evident in our last conversation. I have never worn contacts, I knew for sure who the father of my children were, as I didn't sleep around the way you thought I did. The list goes on, this is however not you fault and I am not blaming you for anything. Only that you have your facts upset. (Kind of like the last time I talked to your mom and she had forgot that I always worked. She had put Chad's past faults on me. However, then she remembered that I did work,  in fact several times with her or Anne.)

I don’t think my daughter will approve of you writing lies about her mom.I guess Skye will know what kinda of person you are.We teach her not to judge people on there past,but I can see you can’t get past yours.It is time to grow up,and move on.

I am not sure what you mean by this. I haven't said anything terrible about you. I only said you were wrong and I wrote when I was upset, and that was evident. It doesn't mean I said anything horrible or that I think you are a monster. Only that your version of the facts don't fit mine. Since we are both human either one of us can be wrong, but we both can say our way is true. There isn't a way to prove otherwise (other than as I said before, when Heaven was little you didn't live anywhere near us, I lived with Dale who didn't allow me to drink.) Dale was my savior and took care of Heaven and I. Whenever Heaven had to go to the hospital (without exception) he was the one who took us. I was not in fact ever drunk on any of those occassions. Which I will admit (a little embarrest) was a little to often, as I had no idea what I was doing and took her to the ER for every little thing. When Heaven had her seizure, Chad wasn't even home. Dale got up (lucky me got to see him in his undies! *Laugh*) and drove us to the ER. Most of the time the trip was made in the camper he used to have.

Yes people make mistakes and thats what we have taught Skye.So thats why she has forgiven you and Chad.

I am not sure what Skye has to forgive? I did the best I could, and tried to do right by her. I was a 19 year old girl on my own with 2 children. The best job I could find was min. wage, for lack of education (and before the boom in that town jobs were hard to come by). Giving her up to you was what I felt was right. I might regret it (as I do many things), but I still hope that I gave her a better life by doing so.

But its hard to teach that when her birthmother puts other words on paper that were never said!And if your so out spoken (deleted number).

I deleted your phone number from this area, and will in the other if I can figure out how to do it. However, I don't know what I made up here. Nothing that was said was made up. Sorry, if you didn't like it, but this is my blog and if you don't like it you don't have to read it. I don't need to call you. Thank you....

No Worries

I have been really busy getting Heaven and Katrina ready for school... I will also be moving my pc so I might not be on for a few more days, but everything is fine!

After a long thought process (pretty much all I can think of lately is Heaven and her staying at her dads) I have decided I will let her go, but with stipulations. I know, the unfairness of it all! I will agree to a semester and see how she is doing.

The stipulations will include keeping her grades up (no D's or F's and to many C's show that she hasn't been made to do her best, but a couple of C's are normal for her.) I don't want her spending a lot of time alone so I want her in some activity after school, that will occupy her until her dad (or Tara) get home.

Also I will insist that we don't change any of the legal paperwork. However, I will offer to Chad that I will match his child support and put it in an account for Heaven. I am not willing to let any of my legal position slide, for any reason. While this might seem the most unfair I think it is in Heaven's best interest.

If anyone has any thoughts or ideas they would like to share I would love to hear them. They don't have to agree with any of my ideas, I will appreciate them anyway. After all the reason that I put this stuff up here is so that I can get different ideas and thoughts, I do not want to be unfair to anyone involved. However, sometimes I can't see something that people on the outside can see.